I once worked with a colorful character named Al. And Al had some colorful friends. Between them, they had a collection of rustic sayings they would occasionally bring forth, but the situation had to call for it. If you stood there ready with paper and pen and prompted them for more, the sayings wouldn't come. The appropriate situation had to present itself for the redneck neuron to fire and trigger the saying.
As you will notice, over exaggeration is a hallmark of the genre.
And these are actually sayings I remember these boys saying. This was before Jeff Foxworthy and Larry the Cable Guy popularized Redneck standup comedy.
Some that I remember:
"When my ship finally comes in, I'll be at the airport." (Referring to missing out on a financial windfall)
"If it was raining soup, my bowl would be upside down."
"It snowed asshole deep to a 9' Indian."
"As useless as tits on a boar hog."
"Raining harder than a two cunted cow pissing on a flat rock."
"He was too drunk to fish."
"Smarter than a white rat."
"Busier than a one legged man at an ass kicking contest."
"Hotter than two fresh fucked foxes in a forest fire."
"Fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down".
"Sweatin' like a whore in church."
"Finer than frog hair split 4 ways."
"If a bullfrog had wings, he wouldn't bump his ass when he hopped either."
"Slicker than snail snot."
"He couldn't find his ass with both hands and a search warrant."
"Her ass was so big, it looked like two hogs fighting in a gunny sack."
"Make like horse shit and hit the trail."
"Couldn't pull a greasy string out of a cats ass."
"Happier than a faggot at Boys Town."
"Oh, it's a fur piece." (When asking what the driving distance is. Distance is never measured in inches, feet, or miles. They will look around the immediate area for an approximation and say, "As far from here to that tree", rather than just say "20 feet".
"He couldn’t pour piss out of a boot with the instructions written on the heel."
"I know what I know." (When you question the validity of an obviously exaggerated statement.)
Well fellas, I was born and raised in the south and I'm still here. I reside about 3 miles from the hospital I was born at.
I have watched my area change drastically in my lifetime from a farming community to the major metropolis on my side of the state of North Carolina. The tremendous growth is driven by a major university with an annual enrollment of ~30,000, a community college with enrollment of ~7000, and a medical center that employs ~10,000.
When I was young, the old farmers would all stand around at the local store and have a beer together after a long days work. Of course, they would tell stories, which were a mixture of truth and lies. Here's one I have never forgotten.
One of the old farmers was marrying off one of his daughters. He said he was going to cook one of his pigs in celebration of having one less mouth to feed. He said he shot the pig between the eyes and put it in the vat. For those who are unfamiliar with this process, a vat is a large container of boiling water. The pig would be placed in it for just a minute or two to make it easy to scrape the hair off of it. The farmer said he got the old sow out of the vat and scraped all the hair off of one side. Suddenly, the sow jumped up and took off running into the woods
. He said nobody got a glimpse of that sow until the next summer. She came out of the woods with 9 piglets behind her and none of them had hair but on one side.
LOL
He told this story with a perfectly straight face while everyone gathered around laughed their ass off.
And I'll bet as the years passed and the story got retold, it also got embellished as well. And at some point the old farmer probably came to believe it himself...
